TIPS FOR CULTIVATING TOLERANCE

Identify a situation where you find yourself in direct opposition to another person’s beliefs, mode of operation, preferences, or style. If you find yourself in some way saying “Why can’t you be more like me?” either out loud, or in your private thoughts, ask yourself the following questions:

Is there something about the way in which this person is different that I can appreciate?

(For example, if she takes a more scenic route to the store, can you appreciate her value for beauty over her value for expedience?)

Is there something about the way in which this person is different that I can celebrate?

(For example, if he failed to make advance reservations for a vacation, can you celebrate how that gave you the option of deciding to go somewhere different at the last minute?

How is this particular quality or trait of service to me?

(For example, if she’s a neat freak, sometimes I find things faster than if I were left to my own ways.)

How is this particular quality or trait of service to us? (a relationship, a group or family, a community)

(For example, if he’s a problem-solver, he’ll get some concrete things done around the house.)

In what way is this person’s different-ness a teacher for me?

(For example, if she rests before she works, I could learn a thing or two about that.)

Can I accept that because of this person’s different-ness, their approach to an issue or situation will look different, too?

(For example, an anxious type will want to do something to ease anxiety. But if the anxious type urges the depressed type to do something, this may result in overwhelm, which often results in inertia. A depressed type has to approach the same issue or situation differently.)

How can we incorporate some of “my way” with some of “your way”, arriving at “our way” … or a fair-enough compromise?

(For example, a messy type and a neat type agree to have areas of their communal space that are kept neat, and other areas that get to remain messy.)

If you experience a stubborn refusal to work with the questions above, you may not be ready right now. Come back to this page at another time. Or, ponder the following questions, to see if it helps you break through to more willingness to cultivate tolerance.

What makes my way so superior?

What makes my way inferior?

Is there something about this polarity that feels really, really old? (In other words, is this a resurrection of an old, unresolved conflict?)

How am I diminished by my attachment to my way?

How is our relationship diminished by my attachment to my way?

Is this what I want?