An Invitation to Give Grief a Voice:

Think of this book as one continual invitation to tap what may be hidden creative juices residing inside in order to move yourself along with your grief. Don't fall into the trap of expecting or hoping for the express train through this process. Use the examples in this chapter or subsequent ones as models or as springboards to stimulate your own unique expression. Remember: you deserve a better taste in your mouth. Even if recording the raw details of your loss feels like swallowing a bitter pill, be assured that most pills do make us feel better.

May the journey you take through the pages of this book, or on pages of your own, ease the challenges your heart and soul are experiencing in the aftermath of your loss.

A Taboo Subject … Anger at the Deceased:

We are asked by some crooner in a famous song to take “all of me” … why not in life and in death? Wouldn’t you heave a sigh of relief if you looked at someone’s headstone in a graveyard and in addition to it saying: LOVING FATHER and HUSBAND, COMMUNITY LEADER, ARCHITECT, and TEACHER, it also said: SON-OF-A-BITCH, MANIPULATOR, and CHEAT? Okay, well maybe not on the gravestone, but somewhere? Or must it just remain in the private thoughts of all of those who knew the deceased? I would rather our negative feelings, thoughts and impulses be aired so we wouldn’t have to pretend or prove there are none.

Where do you go, who do you talk to, if you are mad or disappointed with the deceased? What do you do if you feel betrayed or can even admit to feelings of hate? In religious circles, it is blasphemous to say or do anything that is contemptuous or irreverent toward God. Do we all become Gods and Goddesses when we die?

Is it Grief or Is it Depression?

Many people think they are depressed when, in fact, they are experiencing sadness or a normal grief response. There is an unfortunate tendency to pathologize grief because, as a society, we shun any state of mind that is uncomfortable. We have become an instant gratification culture. This prompts many to pursue medication as a first resort in order to conform to societal expectations of putting on a "happy face" at the expense of allowing oneself to experience the normal stages of bereavement. This decision is often made under the erroneous assumption that taking antidepressants will circumvent the stages of bereavement. Medications are not intended to subvert the grief process. Rather, they are used to help the griever manage the process of mourning by preventing extremes in mood and increasing clarity of thinking.

Someone recently said to me, "All that time, I thought I was in a depression … and you know what, I think I was just having my feelings." I often wonder how many people were prescribed an anti-depressant drug because the presence of their sadness was too daunting … either for themselves, their friends and family, or for those trying to help them! I don't advocate enduring unbearable suffering, but do ask yourself twice or three times if, in fact, you are suffering or are you simply experiencing the normal emotional upheaval of grief?

What is Bereavement?

For more on the distinction between bereavement and depression, Click here.

Getting Beyond Guilt

If you are convinced that some failure on your part is the sole cause of someone's death, I can only imagine how much this hurts. Keep reading this chapter to get some more ideas about how you can get some relief from persistent self-blame. You cannot reverse past critical events but it may help you turn your attention to that which you can change.

Mike Krukow, one of my favorite announcers for the San Francisco Giants, once offered this counsel for pitchers whose performance gets them into trouble: "Don't think about how you got yourself in this jam; think about how you are going to get out of it." I don't want to seem flippant here by suggesting that you apply this advice to a situation with life or death implications. However, your future behavior is not improved by dwelling on something over which you no longer have control. Asking yourself, "What can I take away from this experience that will serve me in the future?" does not mean escaping culpability. It means finding a way to get yourself out of a downward spiral of toxic shame which might prolong your grief.

The Elusive "Other Side" of Grief

Grief does not disappear. It recedes. Believing there is a finish line to hurry and scurry toward sets up the fantasy that a day will arrive when we can declare, "Okay, now I'm over it." Too many people have been humbled by an unexpected re-opening of the scar to suggest it is safe or accurate to say this. The word, "closure," has lost popularity amongst bereavement specialists because it implies a similar promise that you will find a way to put an end to your grief, once and for all.

It makes sense to have more realistic expectations. For example, I'm not over Nick's death. I still wish my family visits would include the sound of Nick's car, with classical music at full blast, pulling into my parents' driveway. I still grieve but I also feel like I've gotten to the other side with it. Instead of saying that I have recovered from Nick's death, I prefer to say I am recovering. If these distinctions seem fuzzy, it's because they are!

What is Letting Go?

Just what does "Letting Go" mean?  Click here.